Let me paint the picture…
It’s 3:00 AM in mid-February and I’m in my mom’s attic. I am knocking things over while the rest of the world is sleeping. I am up here with my cousin Skyler’s old guitar and a heart that feels like it will never be healed. Just as I started recording the final track for my new album, “Still Smoking on Sundays”, the town fire siren started blaring through the window. In the old days, I would have hit stop. I would have waited for silence so I could sound perfect. I don’t do that anymore. I just let the siren roll because life isn't edited. I am done pretending that mine is. That raw, unpolished moment is exactly what my new life is all about. Perfectly imperfect on purpose. I did not wait for a perfect moment that honestly was never coming anyway.
This song is called Still Smoking on Sundays because it is a mirror for every person who is trying to heal but keeps tripping over their own feet. I know I should be going to church but instead I kept reaching for a substitute solution for all my uncomfortable feelings. The lyrics do not hold anything back. I say, "God first well at least most days, I feel ashamed everyday that I don't pray." I talk about the different versions of me that live inside this one body. “One is telling the truth and one is still lying. One is improving and one is still denying.” We all have those shadows. We all have those parts of ourselves we want to hide under the rug while we put on a "perfect" face for the world. I am telling you right now that you aren't alone in that battle.
I am sharing my truth directly because I am sick of the performance. For a long time, I tried to overcorrect from being an addict to trying to be a "perfect" Christian. I realized I was just trading one mask for another. The truth is that I had ten and a half months of sobriety before I relapsed.
I am a walking contradiction who quotes a Bible verse and curses in the same breath. I wrote this song while realizing that I was still using. I was still holding on to things that hurt me, even when I knew better. I have almost a month sober again now and I am not across the bridge to the other side yet. But I am finally standing on it with the lights on.
This brings it all back to #EmbraceF8. We all share the same fate. It just isn't the same date. Why are we wasting time debating our flaws instead of owning them? Owning your mess is the only way to step out of the dark. My time is short and so is yours. Life is just one moment after another. We have to face our shadows honestly if we ever want to live authentically today. I am choosing to be real about my executive dysfunction, my addiction, and my faith. Our imperfections are what actually make us real.
Stop running from who you were. Start becoming who you are meant to be. I am still becoming and that has to be enough for now.
You can join the journey by signing up at www.hyFen8ed.com
God Bless.